12-1-09

Dear Emma,

Fish are friends, not food.

Love,
Stephen

9-3-09

Dear Emma,

If tuna is the "Chicken of the Sea," which is the rooster? My guess is bluegill. Final answer.

Love,
Stephen

9-1-09

Dear Emma,

It is common knowledge that pickles are indeed pickled cucumbers. This I feel however is very oppressive against other pickled foods because none of them will ever be good enough to be called 'pickles.' Shame.

Love,
Stephen

8-26-09

Dear Emma,

Remember when they added blue as a color for M&M's. That was a glorious day, and I felt like I mattered because I voted for blue to be the new color over pink and purple.

Love,
Stephen

8-25-09

Dear Emma,

I wore shorts today. My wardrobe choices are branching out.

Love,
Stephen

8-23-09

Dear Emma,

I recently discovered that I am a millionaire. I was excited, only to later discover that my money was calculated in Zimbabwe dollars which equates to around five bucks. *sigh* Disappointment.

Love,
Stephen

8-21-09

Dear Emma,

McDonalds is giving away Legos in their Happy Meals now. I was severely tempted to go eat there, but the prospect of the horror of eating McDonalds far outweighs the joy I would receive from getting a small Lego model that would take me three minutes to build. In other words, McDonalds is still gross.

Love,
Stephen

8-19-09

Dear Emma,

I went to the beach for Junior High Beach Day. It should have just been called Stephen Goes To The Beach And Takes A Nap For Two Hours Day. That would have been more accurate and conclusive.

Love,
Stephen

8-18-09

Dear Emma,

Why are photo dark rooms actually red? I do know why, so I guess my question really is, why don't they call them red rooms? My theory is that it would sound too much like "red rum," which is murder spelled backwards. Murder tends to not be many people's favorite.

Love,
Stephen

8-15-09

Dear Emma,

Did you say something about Stonewall Jackson? He may have been your ancestor, PLUS he was a very accomplished Confederate general during the Civil War, that is until his own troops killed him. Ultimate burn!

Love,
Stephen

8-14-09

Dear Emma,

My home computer got a virus a few days ago. I gave it a lot of fluids and tried to warm it with a woolen blanket. However, now it won't turn on. I don't think the methods humans use to treat viruses are the same as computers.

Love,
Stephen

8-10-09

Dear Em,

I am at dodgeball, but either my brain or my body does not understand the concept, for neither of them seem to be able to dodge balls. I am not very good.

Love,
Stephen

8-8-09

Dear Emma,

I wrote you a note at the office today, but upon writing it I remembered you won't be able to see it for a few more months, so I will write it here:

"Dear Emma,

If endangered animals suddenly lost that status, i.e. they flourished and repopulated the earth with their numbers, what would their new designation be? Unendangered? Disendangered? Nonendangered? I think disendangered sounds the best. Save the Great White Sharks!

Love,
Stephen"

Love,
Stephen

8-6-09

Dear The Emma Jackson,

This summer so far, I have been spending a lot more time in the sun than usual, so naturally my skin color has been darkening due to exposure to more ultraviolet rays than usual. However, one day at la playa, I fell asleep on my towel while lying face down. Thus, my back is about three shades of tan darker than my front, which looks really funny, but it still hurts when people laugh. I almost wish I got a sunburn, but we both know how ridiculous that wish would be.

Love,
Stephen

8-4-09

Dear Em,

I trust you have heard that Travis named his baby after you. LAME!

Love,
Stephen

8-2-09

Dear Emma,

Today was Park Day for FROG 5. I got to throw sponges and water balloons at a bunch of little kids and then spray them with water guns while they were in a weakened state. Sort of like kicking them while they were down, which is very enjoyable. Don't mistake that for me saying I actually kicked them.

Love,
Stephen

7-30-09

Dear Emma,

















Love,
Stephen

7-28-09

Dear Emma,

I can show you the world.
Shining, shimmering, splendid
Tell me, princess, now when did you last let your heart decide?
I can open your eyes.
Take you wonder by wonder.
Over, sideways and under on a magic carpet ride
A whole new world
A new fantastic point of view
No one to tell us no, or where to go,
Or say we're only dreaming.

Love,
Stephen

7-27-09

Dear Emma,
I just got back from whitewater on Sunday, and it was phenomenal. I wish you could have been there to enjoy some of the crazy adventures that happened. Bat Fest was a success; we actually killed one. Snack Fest was insanely great. The Sasquatch made an appearance, night rafting was really fun (we had over 30 people on 1 raft this time), Doc Rock received many visits including one at night. There was a sweet boogie board river wave that we got to ride, I climbed up a mountain, one of the guides almost gave me a heart attack (not on the river), and we almost got beat up in Happy Camp. All in all, a great trip. Now I know you wouldn't have been able to be there anyway, due to the fact that we are in different mid-groups, but nevermind the logistics and understand my sentiment.

Love,
Stephen

7-19-09

Dear Emma,

I am using someone's iPhone to post this right now, and I am confused. Technology scares me, and I fear robots or terrorists or robot terrorists will soon attack, and iPhones will be their inlet into total rule. Think about it.
"Need an apartment? There's an app for that."
"Need a recipe to impress your girlfriend? There's an app for that."
"Need a channel for world domination? There's an app for that."

I'm worried.

Love,
Stephen

7-17-09

Dear Emma,

White Water is in two days. I believe jealousy is in order.

Ha,
Stephen

7-14-09

Dear Emma,

I just had a popsicle: "What is the difference between a baker and an actor?"

One has rolls and one has roles.

Comedy.

Love,
Stephen

7-12-09

Dear Emma,
It is always a pleasure to discover gravity exists. While at work, I decided that I was manly enough to get a 42" LCD TV from the top of the steel rafters in the back (about 15 feet in the air). By the way, in case you were wondering, I am manly enough, but other things interfered, clearly not my fault Anyways, as I began lowering it to the ground I discovered this is not working out, and I begin to lose my grip on the television. Not wanting to damage such an expensive piece of equipment I position my body underneath the TV, which is about the time the TV decided to want to fall onto the ground, crushing my pitiful, yet manly, body under its weight. Yay, gravity!

Love,
Stephen

7-9-09

Dear Em,

I ate five Reese's Pieces today, and I think I might throw up.

Note To Self: You still don't like Reese's Pieces. Don't forget again.

Sorry, you had to be there for me lecturing myself, but now I feel I have some accountability.

Love,
Stephen

7-8-09

Dear Emma,

I asked someone if they wanted a chicken sandwich the other day, and they said, "No, I don't eat meat." I believe the definition of meat is getting more and more generalized, and the true meaning is being lost.
Here is meat defined:
"The edible flesh of animals, especially that of mammals as opposed to that of fish or poultry."
Last I checked, chicken was a poultry. (?) Take that chicken-denying loser!
I thought you would enjoy this defense of food.

Love,
Stephen

7-5-09

Dear Emma,

I read in the paper that a jogger was attacked by a buzzard, leading me to contemplate adequate yet effective anti-buzzard measures. So far all I have is punching it if it gets too close....with a big rock.

Love,
Stephen

7-02-09

C F
Dear Emma,

Am G
This is a song for you.

C F
I hope you are not sick.

Am G
Perhaps with the swine flu? (It's contagious!)

Am7 C F
Amsterdam is pretty swell

Am7 C F
Or it is so I hear.

Am7 C F
Is it really beautiful

Am7 C F
This time of the year?

F
I hope so...

G
Love,

C
Stephen

6-30-09

Dearest Lady Emma,

How farest thou? I trust thy affairs be set in order, and the span of thy undertakings proveth successful. Thou art greatly yearned after by the lot presently in thy former dwelling. Nary a day passeth sans withdrawl of memory or drollery to thee connected. Cheers to e'en more successes than in times past.

Salutations and highest regards,
Count H. Stephen Byrne IV

PS. I miss you most.

6-28-09

Dear Emma,

An older motto from Pringles is "once you pop, the fun don't stop." I have several problems with this motto.

A.) Bad Grammar - it should read, "once you pop, the fun doesn't stop." Where is the country headed? I'll tell you where: Bad Grammar Land. It's a real place.

B.) Presupposition - So if I open a can of Pringles, I'm automatically going to have this unending supply of fun? What if I'm feeling depressed? Fun certainly won't arise from eating a few potato chips.

C.) False Advertisement - This goes hand in hand with presupposition. Assume I am depressed, and I proceed to eat 3 cans of Pringles. I highly doubt the amount of fun I will be having both in being depressed and in eating approximately 100 chips.

Thus I submit an edited version of the new Pringles campaign motto: "Once you pop, fun may arrive, but don't expect it."

Love,
Stephen

6-26-09

Dear Emma,

Michael Jackson is dead. I am sad.

Love,
Stephen

PS. He had the heart of a champion.

6-25-09

Dear Emma,

Today I saw the B-52s at the Del Mar Fair. They were awesome, but there were a lot of moms there, and at times I felt somewhat uncomfortable because they decided to dance against me quite a bit, and not like they accidentally brushed up against me.

Love,
Stephen

6-22-09

Dear Emma,
I ran over a rabbit a few days ago. I went back to see if it was ok. The prognosis does not look good, but to be fair, he didn't look both ways before darting into my tires.

Love,
Stephen

6-19-09

Dear Emma,

POWER THIRST NOW COMES IN DOVES!

Love,
Stephen

6-15-09

Dear Emma,

I have decided to run for President of Junior High, and I have chosen you as my running mate. I know this seems difficult given your current locale, but I think it will help our foreign policy platform. Right now I'm working on bribing a ton of votes by handing out Blow Pops before TNL. All the other staff looked at me like I was some kind of moron, but we'll see whose laughing when the election rolls around. Am I right?

Love,
Stephen

6-10-09

Dear Emma,

I went to Guitar Center recently, and (after playing numerous guitars that I will never be able to afford), investigated the keyboard department. I found a sweet Casio that played this tune:



Awesome.

Love,
Stephen

6-8-09

La querida senorita Emma,

Como se va el Amsterdam? Es muy divertido? Es todo bueno alli? Espero que estes aprendiendo mucho sobre la gente y El Senor alli. Nunca olvidate: eres muy hermosa, fuerte, y una buena captura.

Te echo de menos,
Esteban

6-4-09

Dear Emma,

I used to think that Burger King and Dairy Queen were married, and they ruled over a kingdom of hamburgers and ice cream cones. Now I think that Dairy Queen would have left BK a long time ago with a lot of the King's money, assuming they didn't sign a prenup.

Love,
Stephen

6-2-09

Dear Emma,

This morning I threw an old head of cabbage out of my window. It struck a road sign and exploded. It was awesome!

Love,
Stephen

6-1-09

Dear Emma,

I was watching Animal Planet last night, and it was about whales. I learned that whales can produce over 100 gallons of milk a day.

Wow.

Love,
Stephen

5-31-09

Dear Emma,

Did anyone in the world like the show Fraiser? I don't understand how a show so "smart" and "brainy" and "not-funny" could stay around so long? I watched it once for like 5 minutes and fell asleep.

Love,
Stephen

5-30-09

Dear Emma


Love,
Stephen

5-29-09

Dear Emma,

My favorite flavor of Otter Pop is Poncho Punch. Hands down.

Love,
Stephen

5-28-09

Dear Emma,

Today before the staff meeting 4ta and Jake got chips from Subway and each bag had like 4 chips in it. This prompted a chain of theories as to how we could get more chips in each bag. This prompted Kirk and I to each call Frito-Lay and tell them that they should install mini black holes in their bags to reduce bag-air content, thus allowing for more chips. They just gave us free chip coupons. Ineffective, at least.

Love,
Stephen

5-27-09

Dear Emma,

You are on an airplane right now. I am eating an apple. It is good. You should eat an apple too. Find a way.

Love,
Stephen

5-26-09

5-24-09

This post is written in binary, which took a while to convert from text, so appreciate my genius.

010001000110010101100001011100100010000001000101011011010110110101100001,

0100100100100000011010000110000101110110011001010010000001100010011001010110010101101110001000000111010001110010011000010110111001110011011001100110111101110010011011010110010101100100001000000110100101101110011101000110111100100000011000010010000001100011011011110110110101110000011101010111010001100101011100100010111000100000010010010111010000100000011010010111001100100000011101110110010101101001011100100110010000101110

0100100101110100001000000110100101110011001000000111001101101111011011010110010101110100011010010110110101100101011100110010000001100110011101010110111000100000011101000110111100100000011000100110010100100000011000010010000001100011011011110110110101110000011101010111010001100101011100100010110000100000011001010111100001100011011001010111000001110100001000000111011101101000011001010110111000100000011100000110010101101111011100000110110001100101001000000111000001101100011000010111100100100000010011010110100101101110011001010111001101110111011001010110010101110000011001010111001000100000011011110110111000100000011011010110010100101110001000000100100100100000011010000110000101110100011001010010000001110100011010000110000101110100001000000110000100100000011011000110111101110100001011100000110100001010

01001100011011110111011001100101,
01000011011011110110110101110000011101010111010001100101011100100010000001010011011101000110010101110000011010000110010101101110


(Dear Emma,
I have been transformed into a computer. It is weird. It is sometimes fun to be a computer, except when people play Minesweeper on me. I hate that a lot.

Love,
Computer Stephen)

5-23-09

Dear Emma,

Which Powerade quenches the best: red or blue? I think blue...water is blueish...thus better hydrating ability?

Love,

Stephen

5-22-09

Dear Emma,

I opened the dictionary to a random word. It was 'lumberjack'. I will use it in a sentence. "The Denny's LUMBERJACK Slam robbed a bank." That sucks.

Love,
Stephen

5-21-09

Dear Emma,

Today is the last day you will be in the office for 6 months. It could be worse, you could be gone for 9 months, which also happens to be the gestation period for a human child. Thus, at the least you will not be gone for a baby.

Love,
Stephen

5-19-09

Dear Emma,

I once had an "Everlasting" Gobstopper. Let's just say not a few childhood dreams were crushed.

Love,
Stephen

5-14-09

Dear Emma,
How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? 49,332. Problem Solved.

Love,
Stephen